Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
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*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.