[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
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Noah
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.