“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
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CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
For anyone who needs this today
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Where is your GOD now????
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*