Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
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She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
meow
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
lmao
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?