Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
You Might Also Like
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
what?
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track