Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
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Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
A woman drives into a bar.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.