Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
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I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order