Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
You Might Also Like
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I will never stop laughing at this
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Never mess with a drunken pig.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you