grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
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baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer