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I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok