Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
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A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*