Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
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Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.