Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
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My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.