I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
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Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore