Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
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doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
We have a winner.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
dam girl
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
The Book. The Movie.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.