[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
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me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Me, in DM rooms…
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
shampoo implies shampee
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?