[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
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Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
584.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*