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Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.