Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
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Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Sex so good you see dead people.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt