Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
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Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
My plans: 2020:
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise