HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
You Might Also Like
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist