My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
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Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Now, where’s the sport in that?
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.