i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
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I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
My safe word is Worcestershire
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”