And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
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Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head