My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
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I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Happy Thanksgiving
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
We’ve all been there…
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.