ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
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My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.