Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
You Might Also Like
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way