Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
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Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
My blood type is b hungry.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.