Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
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“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do