No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
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Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.