Check your privilege
You Might Also Like
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Is this you?
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.