ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
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the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
When you kidnap a writer.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*