AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
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*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.