My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
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i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Wait for it
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?