Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
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Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Stonehinge
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
Me: Yeah.
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I’d love this before and after shot…lol