therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
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my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
good work, detective
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Ape together strong
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.