I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
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lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
It’s the weekend y’all
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Only Americans understand
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up