I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
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Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
More like Kate Missington.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.