A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
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So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.