10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
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I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White