Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
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Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets