I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
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My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.