Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
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Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.