I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
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Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
School be like
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
scrabbled eggs
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own