[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
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What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Was it something I said?
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society