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Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
There is no try. There is only give up.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I know a bad idea when I see one.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.