Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
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I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season