Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
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the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.