My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
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I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
#Thanos #MondayMood
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30