I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
You Might Also Like
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.